I’ve always dreamed of being able to fly, even though I’m so unhealthy that I sometimes pass out just from thinking about walking. Luckily for slobs like me, mankind recently invented something called the ‘airplane’, a mysterious metal tube that can fly me all over the world if I ask it nicely. Hooray!

But unfortunately, flying is about as good for the environment as deep-frying the polar ice caps. That’s why I decided to play possibly the greatest piece of anti-flying art ever made, a ‘game’ called Airplane Mode.

This is a flight simulator that doesn’t let you anywhere near the cockpit. Because it’s trying to simulate the feeling of being a passenger on a commercial flight. Get ready to experience a two-and-a-half-hour fake flight in real time!

Once seated, you can engage in the usual pre-flight activities. Like admiring the runway, fiddling with the arm rests, turning the fans over your seat on, and trying to remember why you pitched putting yourself through this for a Climate Replay blog post. All while the captain apologizes for a delayed take-off. Delayed? Oh marvelous.

Let’s pass the endless time by looking at why flying is miserable for the environment, even though some of the statistics you can find make it seem not that bad. Like how air travel accounts for just 2.5% of global carbon dioxide emissions. But that’s only because a lot of people can’t afford to fly, due to our stupid inequality-riddled planet. It’s the 20% of the world’s population who can and do fly that are to blame for that 2.5% – and 2.5% is still bad!

According to this jolly BBC News article, “a return flight from London to San Francisco emits around 5.5 tonnes of CO2 equivalent (CO2e) per person – more than twice the emissions produced by a family car in a year, and about half of the average carbon footprint of someone living in Britain.” Oh no! I live in Britain! Wait, that’s not why that information is depressing.

Speaking of depressing, I decided to try and entertain myself in Airplane Mode by seeing what the screen in front of me has to offer. But I suddenly get interrupted by an unskippable safety video. I bought New Pokemon Snap on the weekend. It’s unopened. I’m ‘playing’ this instead:

Is the safety demonstration video short? No. It is not. Shall we learn more about why flying isn’t good for the planet instead of watching it? LET’S.

The struggle to decarbonize air travel is something we haven’t made nearly enough progress in. There are some interesting-sounding solutions on the way, like how Airbus have announced plans to have the first zero-emission aircraft by 2035, using hydrogen fuel cells. Nice idea, but according to several calendar experts I consulted for this story, 2035 is still 14 years away.  Electric planes will also likely be limited to very small aircraft due to the limitations of battery technologies and capacity. But you know what? That’s fine! Make a plane so tiny I can chuck it in the garbage! Because look what I’m still watching:

Finally, we take off. I find my bag under my seat, which contains a book, some headphones, and a packet of pills. I immediately take one of the pills without checking what it is, just in case you were curious about what level of geniuses are writing for this website. 

The bag notably doesn’t contain a Nintendo Switch, so I guess I won’t be spending my two+ hours taking candid photos of Pikachu throwing up outside a nightclub and selling them to the tabloids (is that what you do in New Pokemon Snap? Again, I wouldn’t know). Instead, I have to settle for the games available on the screen in front of me:

I sit back and do a Sudoku in the in-game magazine while listening to one of the in-game podcasts and actually start… enjoying… myself? No, really! I’d be lying if I said the experience wasn’t oddly relaxing. Airplane Mode definitely captures that boring-long-flight sensation of being held hostage by the few entertainment choices you have, so you actually give them a chance. 

Is that an achievement? Absolutely! Do I ever want to play it again? Um…

Speaking of the sky and legal grey areas, did you know that the international aviation sector was not included in the Paris Agreement on climate change? 65% of the aviation sector’s CO2 emissions are in international airspace and, therefore, do not necessarily “belong” to individual nation states. But without tackling aviation (oh, and shipping, another sector with international emissions) meeting the 2C or 1.5C warming limits of the agreement is going to be more difficult. That’s another win for the ‘don’t fly’ column.

And here’s another MASSIVE one – I missed the bit in Airplane Mode where someone gives me my virtual orange juice because I was too busy getting stuck on the sudoku puzzle. Is this the worst moment of my entire life? It’s certainly a contender.

I think the sleeping pill I took earlier is about to kick in, so let’s wrap this up. Flying is horrible for the planet and you should avoid doing it when you can. That, and we need to hold airlines accountable to reduce their greenhouse gas production. A lot of airlines have been promoting carbon offsetting, wherein customers can ‘offset’ the emissions their flight causes by supporting green projects that theoretically cancel those emissions out. While offsets have potential and support great projects, they also reek of greenwashing PR. They make airlines look like they’re doing a lot more than they actually are/should be, with investigations finding offsetting not nearly effective enough. There’s no such thing as a green flight and you should limit or avoid flying whenever possible.

Covid-19 has forced a lot of the games industry’s biggest events, like the Game Developers Conference, to move online. This doesn’t just dramatically reduce the amount of flying involved. It also lowers the barrier for entry for developers who might not be able to afford a flight and accommodation in San Francisco. That’s great news! We should be encouraging more of this.

Am I implying that I’m pro-Covid-19? Of course not. That’s just the sleeping pill talking. But I am pro “breaking down income barriers for gaming conferences” (try it! It’s a fun corner to stand in!).

Airplane Mode is available on Steam now. Give it a go, and permanently cure your love of flying!